Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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