You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
