last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
