genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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