omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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