You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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