what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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