He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
