I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
