don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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