turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
