Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
