Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize