just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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