My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
