the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
