In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
