TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
