Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
