I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
