I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize