is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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