I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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