put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
