Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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