dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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