let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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