HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
