she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
