It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
