The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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