There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
