I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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