my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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