i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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