I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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