Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
