Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
