Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
