if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
