Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
