I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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