that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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