I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
