hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
