he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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