My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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