I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
