So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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