so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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