I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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