so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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