Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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