Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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