At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
