the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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