How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
