Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
