i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize